The NHS Hospital Plan Diet

Posted in: Injury Time

I lost over a stone / 7kilos / 15lbs in the first two weeks after my fall. Wanna now how? I'll share my secret this one time... I used The NHS Hospital Plan Diet!

The NHS Hospital Plan Diet

1. Qualify for entry - e.g. fall off a building
2. Immediately upon starting the program, you'll automatically have your body divert most of its biological resources into cellular trauma, reconstruction, and calling the nurse for more morphine
3. All your meals prepared and provided for you, at no direct cost. No calorie counting, complex rules, or tracking the latest trends in broadsheet weekend supplements. NHS serves up your diet with its computerised food menu - and it's wholesome solid English stodge too. Sausages in onion gravy with swede, mash, and boiled cabbage? You got it! Apple tart and custard? Yes, please nurse!

That's not all! The NHS Hospital Plan Diet features these great benefits:

* Sit in bed all day. Talk about stress-free!!
* With tea, coffee, and digestive biscuits served five times daily from 07:15 to 22:00 your metabolism will remain jacked to the max shifting those frustrating last few pounds, day after day
* No alcohol? Around surgery you ain't eating or drinking anything, Sunshine.
* We don't even rely on willpower: As you helplessly loll about after the general anaesthetic your sneaky temptations to snip even weight-gaining water will be rewarded with a swift and merciless bright green blast of bile

It works! In just two weeks, and that's pre-surgery, baby, I went from 77.8kg to a lean 70.5kg! A loss of over seven kilos/one stone of body mass! And I barely had to lift a finger! Who cares that my bruised calves look like a pair of jaundiced uncooked frankfurters, or that my maximal strength has probably halved..., I lost a whole lotta weight!

Sometimes your measured weight may go up on the NHS Hospital Plan Diet. Recent results show I've put a little under two kilos back on in the last week. But don't worry, it's not stubborn, hard-to-shift fat, it's just a bunch of screws and an immobilising plaster hanging off my right foot...

Terms and Conditions apply: by partaking in the NHS Hospital Plan Diet you agree to be subject to any of the following:
* substantial pain, severe debilitating injury, trauma, musculo-skeletal damage
* administration of drugs so powerful you barely know who you are anymore, Captain!
* total demobilisation and months of a bed-ridden "lifestyle"
* months, possibly years of physiotherapeutic work just to approach exactly where you were before
* early onset arthritis
* lost earnings
* pissing into a bedside bottle and wearing bright green pajamas

But hey, if you want to shift half a kilo of troublesome weight per day: get climbing!

Posted by Paul Makepeace at June 8, 2005 09:27 | TrackBack